The Untold History of Inoa

Session 2.10 - Downtime

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07/31/2018 Session

Quick Retcon Section

Ray is now the time keeper.

In-game Time

Session Started:

  • date: March 6th
  • Lunar phase:

Session Ended:

  • date: March 28th ?
  • Lunar phase:

Interesting People

Ariana Woodleaf – Human lady definently. The Guild’s socialite for sure. Prostitute maybe.

Midgee Family – The next heist target. Their son is graduating wizarding school. He was some prodigee or something. Probably fought a dark wizard in his final year. Going to have 7 books written about him that get adapted into 8 movies and eventually the arthor of these stories is going to go off the deep end with facts and hidden background, history, and lore behind some of the beloved characters to gain crowd favor and prove you’re sooo progressive, but not ever use these new facts in the extended universe. Like cool, you took to twitter to announce that the headmaster was gay, but now you have a new series of forgettable movies about forgettable monsters and forgettable places and you’re just going to not include all those interesting facts in the movies? Ok fine. But you’re totally going to let some man in a suit offer a role to an overrated actor who beat his wife into your movie like everyone else. SOOOOOO progressive…I wonder if this Midgee party will have cake.

Gedal Midgee – Wizard prodigy study.

Jelen Family – a noble family in the guild’s pocket

Panzavier Jelen – head of the Jelen.

Locations of Interest

Cellabin Tailor – Kefka’s tailor.

What Our Mission Is For the Next Campaign

Thirteen needs to get the list of guards. Then uh, spend 22 days until April 19th doing side shit? THEN MANOR HEIST!

Swindler’s List

The Gang’s Payout – 9,250 gold each that they then went and spent on magic items

The Kobold Mercenary’s – got a 300 gold tip from Astor.

The Short Notes

The gang all makes it back safe and sound. While in the tunnel, Astor tells Glim to stay with the goods and goes to the guild to fetch some extra hands to bring in all that sweet sweet cash, making that money moves.

Astor and Glim go to see Cloudfang, who was in the middle of a conversation with some person the gang didn’t know nor gave a single shit about, to give him a bit of the lowdown, and to show the teams massive success, takes the bag of holding from Glim without his consent and pours it all out. Glim cleans up the mess.

About half an hour passed, I don’t really recall, I’m not the time keeper, Cloudfang finished his conversation with the mystery man…or lady…huh. We didn’t even get their gender. Anyways, Cloudfang goes to get the other two to talk about the mission. Cloudfang was all snarky and was like, “What did you have to burn down to get all this?” A triceratops. We had to burn down a triceratops. That’s right. Top of the food chain boys. What’s our next hunt? We’re take them down. Put us in High Rank couch!

Cloudfang asked about the specific items we were sent to look for and Glim pulls them out one by one from the bag of holding, because that’s how bags of holding work. Astor was unimpressed. Astor and Glim tell Cloudfang that the other two members of their crew are dealing with Francis and, when asked if any witnesses were left, that “not a single one was left alive.” At this point, Cloudfang became a kobold activist and agreed that the kobold mercenaries that magically stayed alive are indeed fine to stay alive.

Next day, March 7th, Thirteen and Edgar arrive at the guild base. Cloudfang invites all of the gang in for a meeting. He didn’t expect us to be as good as we were. And BAM! 9000ish gold for everyone! ITS TIME FOR A THREE WEEK SHOPPING MONTAGE BABY!

Exciting montage continues!

Oh Yah! Giiiiiirl, you go buy that dress! Mmmm! Looking good honey!

Bags upon bags upon bags of goodies!

Also got to get some of that SICK NASTY GROCERIES!

And the montage is over.

Edgar has an amazing idea of having Glim modify his rake of pain, and Glim does it successfully.

Cloudfang finds the gang and tells us he has a mission in the works that is somewhat tied to our last mission, but it hasn’t fully came together yet. So instead, he sends us to the guild’s socialite, Ariana Woodleaf, to talk about a side gig. Basically she just wants us to sneak in some house and steal some paintings. Oh, wait. It’s not just some house, its the Midgee Family’s house. A bunch of introverted nobles who has a prodigy son graduating from wizarding college. Bet the family didn’t even have to pay for the college. Just the name alone probably made the college give out scholarships and funding while all the little gnomes from the ghetto are throwing their entire life’s employment just to pay their way through four years of levitating upside down for that sick kick during a keg-vitate. Ariana mentioned that anyone who is anyone is invited to the party, so Thirteen asks if she will be at the party and turns out, she’s not anyone. Thirteen also asked if Kefka (you know, the noble who owns the house that the thieves guild operates out of) and she is like, “maybe.” She does also tell us that the Jellen family, who are in our pocket, might also have been invited. Edgar asks if we have a tailor who can make us threads, and Ariana is like, “you know that’s actually the one position we don’t have in the guild.” Which, seems kind of weird. Apparently we were trying to get a butcher in our pockets, but not a tailor.

The gang asked a couple of additional questions:

  • What will the entertainment be? She didn’t know.
  • Do nobles usually bring servants? Some, but they are left outside like the dogs that they are.
  • Will this family have magical traps that blow up their house when trying to open a door in a basement? Too specific. She doesn’t know.
  • Is the part indoor or outdoor? She doesn’t know.
  • Do they have their own catering or will they hire someone? She doesn’t know.
  • How do the invitations work? Oh. She finally knows something. The family gets one invitation and then they RSVP with a number.
  • Kefka family. How many members? He has a spouse, and one child. an adult technically, but a child.
  • Are these paintings haunted?
  • Are these paintings magical portals to mysterious worlds where you either collect some stars or fight a bunch of crow demons and an undead dragon or two and some abomination that’s left when a dragon decides to mate with a human?
  • Are these paintings of famous people?
  • Are these paintings famous people trapped in the canvas by magic?
  • Were any of these paintings happy accidents made into something beautiful by the incredible artist Rob Boss?

The gang decides to go talk to Kefka and head off to his study after asking around. He confirms it will be in 22 days (so about April 19th…its not a leap year). He notes its in the more fancy side of Kadena, but the manor is more isolated from other. He states that he doesn’t know what school of magic the child, Gedal, is graduating from. He also tells us of a tailor we can use. Cellabin Tailor. Also we need to bring a gift.

The gang decides to go their separate ways to gather information. Astor goes to a contact of his to get the blueprints. Glim goes to the tailor. Edgar and Thirteen go see the Jelen family.

At the Jelen estate, Edgar knocks on the door and tells the butler who opened the door that he was there for business sent by an associate of Jelen, using Kefka’s name. Eventually, Edgar and Thirteen get a meeting with Panzavier Jelen. He was pretty much useless except reconfirming the information we learned earlier and suggesting we get in as guards and that there are supposedly families from out of town coming to this party. As for non nobles, it will mostly be professors the student had. Also, there is a female judge who’s family has been down on their luck and we should maybe watch out for her.

Astor went to one of his contacts. He slips her The Jelen address and asks her to bring blueprints for the Jelen manor. She confirms no one will die, and Astor notes that it is NEVER HIS FAULT when someone dies. She agrees, but we have to bring her the blueprints back by the end of the week (it’s Wednesday). She charges him some money, and he pays 235 gold. She slips him a meeting address, and he goes to wait for her. she shows up and gives him the goods and he gives her the money. It was real money.

Glim goes to the tailor. He gets clothes for everyone cause he magically knows our measurements. He gives the date of the event for when he needs the clothes, and then they’re all like, “You’re not fancy enough for this. Who sent you?” and Glim was like, “Kefka.” They were all like, “Yah ok, it will be ready in time,” cause they totally think Final Fantasy 6 is the best Final Fantasy and they respect Kefka for being a villain who is willing to do anything to get what he wants.

At this point, the gang remember that Osgo is green scales and that we use that as code words with people in our pocket.

Edgar and Thirteen use this new found rememberance to go talk to Fenowyn the Guard captain to be like, “let’s meet at the park.”
So they met at the park.
The boys wanted details on the guard duty at the party, and she was like, “city guards will handle the entrance, some other fucks are handling the inside.” Thirteen wanted a list of the guards working the event, and hopefully with their time if that’s sorted out. Fenowyn was all like, “Yah, sure. But You have to wait till tomorrow. Also, only the higher ranked guards are confirmed as of right now,” which Thirteen was ok with.

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Session 2.9 - Heist Completion

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7/18/2018y Session

Quick Retcon Section

Kobolds are now Scottish. Still Klingons. So Scottish Klingons.

Interesting People

No new people introduced.

Locations of Interest

No new locations explored.

What Our Mission Is For the Next Campaign

To get their rewards and move on with their lives as the party will gain downtime before going on their next mission!

Swindler’s List

Does killing people count as stealing their life?

The Short Notes

These might actually be short notes for once….

Glim and Astor are in the wagon opening chests to the best of their abilities.

Edgar was being chased by Betsy.

Thirteen was spotted by the guards, but was able to get away from them.

Glim and Astor continue opening and looting some chests.

Edgar eventually tries running back to the wagons, but in the process, gets knocked unconscious. But lucky for Edgar, as Thirteen has RANGED HEALING…that also has verbal components and thus draws Betsy’s attention.

The guards chasing Thirteen begin to slowly approach the wagon Glim and Astor are in cause this situation needed more conflict.

Glim and Astor continue opening and looting some chests.

Edgar wakes up from being unconscious, only to hear the familiar mystical voice of Thirteen in his head constantly repeating “PLAY DEAD PLAY DEAD PLAY DEAD PLAY DEAD PLAY DEAD PLAY DEAD PLAY DEAD PLAY DEAD!”

Edgar played dead.

Betsy begins moving towards Thirteen, who successfully blinds the beast and then sneaks behind the dino.

Glim and Astor continue opening and looting some chests.

Astor also hears a couple of kobolds.

Edgar sneaks away to hide under a wagon. He notes that the 4 guards are slowly checking the wagons.

Betsy starts to move back to the center of the wagons, still blind.

Thirteen chooses to sneak away from the scene.

Glim and Astor continue opening and looting some chests.

The guards get closer to the wagon.

Kobolds get closer.

Edgar gets out from under the wagon, moves towards the guards, and draws the attention of Betsy.

Glim and Astor continue opening and looting some chests.

Thirteen moves closer to the wagons.

Edgar, taking note of the guards, decides that he should shout “HEY BITCH!” to get the attention of Betsy. Conveniently, Betsy, Edgar, and the guards all lined up, so if Betsy charges Edgar, he will hit the guards!!! And the wagon. Oh shit not the wagon.

Betsy charged. Luckily didn’t hit the wagon.

Thirteen, realizing Betsy might actually attack the wagon in her blind rage, decides to use RAY OF ENFEEBLEMENT onto Betsy. Success.

The Guards attack Betsy.

Astor grabs Francis and throws him into the bag of holding that Glim has, because he fits. Also, they can hear the dino. And that’s something that they should try to avoid, so he and Glim need to start preparing to flee.

Edgar begins running back to home base, where they left Peter.

Betsy attacks some guards. She finally shakes off all her debuffs.

Thirteen then notices the kobolds off in the distance peeking out their heads. He motions, “Get the fuck out” back towards Kadena, before he follows Edgar’s example to run away.

Astor climbs out the front of the wagon.

Guards try to move.

Kobolds get out.

Glim tries to follow Astor.

Betsy finishes killing the guards.

Astor starts to stealth right on out of there.

Glim starts to stealth right on out of there…but Betsy noticed.

Betsy charges Glim, but misses.

Now for our glorious little side note brought on by Astor’s inner subconscious. It’s currently March 4th. The moon’s current phase is waxing gibbous. Some wagons are on fire. Astor tries to sneak away from the dino while the divine beings discuss the current season. Hahahaha, it didn’t work. Eat shit Astor.

Luckily, Astor lets out a scream before he almost died. Thirteen and Edgar decides to then turn around and go back and help.

Eventually, Thirteen and Edgar return, help heal up Astor, and all four of them turn around and fight Betsy, finally taking out the beast!!!

The team then realizes that they now have a number of things they need to do.

1) Go get Peter. (Glim and Edgar go on this mission)

2) Check the remaining wagons (Thirteen does this, noting that one wagon had 6 more chests)

3) Examine the carnage (Astor does this)

4) See if they can find the Kobolds running away

5) Go retrieve some of the horses back.

6) Determine the plan of action

Among the dead, we found Sass Master and Zane. Rip. Astor and Glim decide that they should use the kobold spears from some of the fallen kobolds to kill the guards not trampled by Betsy, including our good boy Peter. Poor Peter. The team plans out how to go about the rest of the mission. They will put Francis back in the wagon with all the chests that Glim and Astor checked. Glim and Astor will take some of the horses to pull the wagon with the remaining chests back to town. Thirteen and Edgar will travel a bit south to rest for the night, and come back in the morning to wake up Francis, pretending to be travelers who happened on the wreckage.

The plan plays out.

On their way to town, Glim and Astor found 5 kobolds. The two friends of Astor are indeed alive! Yah! Also the death penalty payment cost isn’t going to be as high! Win Win! They also ditch the wagon (and maybe set it on fire?) and snuck back into Kadena through secret passages.

Edgar and Thirteen show up to the wagons and wake up Francis, who was a little fucking bitch and fainted when he saw everyone dead. What a bitch. So the boys take him to a guard outpost not far off. The boys tell the guards about what they found, and the guards immediately go, “He’s rich. You’re lying.” The boys were like, “noooooooo,” and they were like, “stay for a statement,” and the boys stayed to write a very basic statement and then bailed.

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Session 2.8 - And The Heist has BEGUN!

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06/27/2018 Session

Quick Retcon Section

The home rules for travel encounters change so we re roll the encounter dice. Thirteen and Edgar still have to fight.

Interesting People

Citizens – The caravan had some filled with people. Filled. As in past tense. They aren’t filled with people by the end of the session. The people aren’t really people either.

Betsy – The Triceratops from Dinosaur Forest.

Locations of Interest

Heist Target Location – In the middle of two hill in the middle of some towns.

Dinosaur Forest – The campaign actually doesn’t explore this place, but with actual dinosaurs now being a part of the campaign, its time to do a quick recap of the adventure log to remember when dinosaurs came into existence.

What Our Mission Is For the Next Campaign

Finish the heist and gtfo from the dinosaur….or kill it.

Swindler’s List

We’re working on it!

The Short Notes

Thirteen and Edgar fight a giant scorpion! It was great.

Everybody meets up at the designated meet up spot and go over some notes before heading off for the ambush spot. Edgar watches DragonTube and studies up on how to be a ginger for his upcoming role in the big play; Pete Mistspitter, wonder guard boy. Astor sends Tiki out to scout for the gang.

Once arriving at the ambush spot, Astor sends out Tiki, who notes that there are the two extra wagons that were promised and that they do appear to be different. Tiki also sees that there is 1 guard on each side of each wagon (11 wagons), and…what’s this? Is that one cool, cool friend from a long time ago here to show us a world we’ve never seen before?? Oh, wait. No. It’s just some beast with 3ish horns, some frill thingy, and with extreme attitude.

Glim hands out all the necessary items, such as the scrolls and cloth sacks and poisons, to all the correct individuals who will be needing such items.

Evening finally hit, so the guards began to set up camp. Glim puts on his heist masks and enchants Thirteen’s and Astor’s masks to work like hats of disguise. Astor decides it would be funny to disguise himself as a kobold fascist nazi, but somehow became a kobold activist instead. He then hands Tiki a coin so it can drop it on Peter. When Tiki goes to find Peter, he is unable to spot either Francis or Zane, but he does find Peter. Tiki drops the coin on Peter’s head and Peter was like, “Oh sweet free money.” Campaign over. Peter failed.

Just kidding! He remembered his duty and he followed the bird and BAM! That fucker is knocked out stone cold. Edgar disguises himself as Peter, and then steals his clothes and puts them on…and it’s super drenched in sweat. Now we know; Mistspitter isn’t a last name. When Edgar arrives at the enemy camp, he notes 10 mercs and 18 guards are out about, with the mercs and guards having separate dinner pots. But both pots have chefs who are attending to them. Whatever will our “heroes” do!?! Astor sends forth Tiki to do a fly by shit to cause a distraction! It was….a 2 on the roll, but divine spirits let it be! It hit the side of the pot, the chef got mad, and while distracted, Edgar sneak sneak sneaked 10 vials in the pot.

Edgar goes talk to the other chef at the other pot and started some small talk, about some dank ol’ weed. Like, that dankest shit man. Knock you right over kind of drug. Last dance with Mary Jane. Blazing it harder than Willie Nelson. Tiki then swoops in and ruins Edgar’s drug quest by landing and stealing some food off the side cart. The chef gives chase, and takes a SWING AT TIKI WHO ONLY HAS 12 AC AND 1 HP! The chef picks up the nearest rock. He pulls the rock arm back, puts the other arm out in front of him. He lines up the shot! Edgar poisons the meal! The CHEF THROWS THE ROCK! WOOOOOOSH! 10! Thats less than 12! Tiki survives!

Edgar walks off to play some cards with the guards while the rest of the boys decide what to do with Peter. Astor wants to kill him. Glim thinks thats too much so Thirteen suggests tying him up. So they do. with the only rope they had…Glim’s magical rope of climbing. But he didn’t mention anything, and his allies didn’t realize it, sooooooo yah. Then the dinner bell rings. Edgar excuses himself to the restroom before heading all the way back to the good ol boys. Then they wait, until Tiki spots people going down from the poison! Send in the kobolds! Edgar tells them to attack from a far, and once they get a single hit, run away.

qaStaHvIS yIn Kobold Kinship! ben law’ batlhmey maHvaD may’Daq! Doqqu’ ‘ej wov flesh maw’Ha’ HIv baS! nIHDaq shit? DaSovrup dinosaur? 1

Btw, the wagons are set up as this: (We ran out of media storage space….so uh. take this instead)

Initial Wagon Setup. It’s super bold cause its important.

The kobolds make the first move. They use the power of stealth to approach the wagons….and are instantly noticed. The Kobolds unload their rocks against the guards, some landing hits and actually running away. Others…not so well. Tiki counts that there are 12 guards up and about, while the rest are knocked out from the poison. As the boys approach, the guard count continues to drop as more guards are being affected by the poison. But, the guards that didn’t get hit by the poison are able to catch some of the kobolds. Looks like the bill just went up a bit. The triceratops begins to thrash around, making it’s chains rattle and ground somewhat shake.

While this commotion is going on, the gang sneaks into their designated wagons as shown in the chart. Glim accidentally stumbles and makes noise. Then, the chain rattling stopped. Oh, so a good thing. Oh no, thats the sound of metal tearing and a loud pop. That’s a very bad thing.

All four checked their first wagon, discover nothing. The triceratops charges the one Glim was in, but Glim manages to jump out and sneak to the next wagon. Edgar notices that the triceratops is trying to get at Glim. Thirteen checks his next wagon and sees some wealthy-ish citizens and some chests. Astor jumps in his next wagon and sees a bunch of chests and someone hugging the chest. He counts seven total chests before telling Tiki to go fetch Thirteen.

The triceratops is picking at the wagon it stomped (btw it totally trampled some sleeping guards and mercenaries). Glim and Edgar both check their next wagons and find nothing. Glim’s futuresniff detects the dino, oh no! But its all good, for Thirteen told the merchants in his wagon that it will totally be a better idea to try and run away from the situation rather than staying in the wagon, and they listened! Ha! what fools. They will be trampled by the triceratops right about…now.

Glim stumbles out of his wagon, fearing that the dino will attack any second now due to his sniff, but he see’s Thirteen’s merchant play has successfully distracted the dino. Thirteen then starts looking through the chests in the wagon.

Astor tries to open up a chest, but they are all locked. The man, assumed to be Francis, starts yelling for Astor to get out, so Astor threatens him…only for the man to shout for Betsy. Astor then tells the man he is better off dead and stabs him knocking him out because divine spirits reminded Astor at the last moment that keeping Francis alive is totally a prime objective of the mission. And stabbing someone non-lethally to unconsciousness totally works in this game.

Betsy, the triceratops, now has three possible targets. Glim, who stumbled out of a wagon, the merchants, or her own master’s plea for help. And yes. I know what I just did. Boo hoo, assuming the things gender based off its name. Sue me you liberal fucking snowflakes. But, yah like its all good. Betsy is having just so much fun squishing all of the merchants! It’s like River City Ransom! Or Scott Pilgrim! Everything explodes into money when they die! Hahaha ha…ha. Also lots of blood. I hope they didn’t have families back home to feed. They probably did.

Tiki manages to find Thirteen and lands on his shoulder. Thirteen is like, “bird, I must check this chest!” He sees fancy cloth in the two chests, and he pushes down on them, gently, to make sure nothing was hidden beneath them before beginning to jump out. Astor attempts to lock pick the chest Francis was holding onto, but fails. He also tells Tiki that he actually really needs Glim, so Tiki leaves Thirteen to find Glim.

Edgar notes that four guards are on their way back from chasing kobolds. Astor attempts to pick the lock again and fails. Glim successfully climbs out of his wagon, which Edgar noticed. He was like, “cool its safe.” But Betsy just so happened to be finish with her merchant toys that she began turning around, and happened to notice Edgar. They lock eyes. Like an old western. Betsy lowers her head.

Edgar books it.

Thirteen, before jumping out, can hear the sounds of metal clanking, as if some foot steps of some guards are coming. But he also hears the stomping of dinos going the other way so he tests his luck. And it looks like he was noticed. But, they’re 120 feets away, so Thirteen uses THE COLD GRASP OF DEATH ITSELF! A ghostly skeletal hand manifests forth in the face of two of the guards, reaching back, then veered full force into their face with a glorious bitch slap.

Astor decides to finally check Francis for a key ring, which was a successful idea. He opens a chest and he begins dumping it all into a bag. While dumping, he notices a huuuuuuuge blue diamond. Also Tiki was successful in finding Glim, who followed him to Astor. Glim also successfully sneaks so that the guards would not notice him.

Ending Wagon Setup

Oh, btw. Francis Wildingham is a beautiful pony.


I put in….
Long Live the Kobold Kinship! Glory be to us in battle! Attack the metal clad pink flesh! Oh shit? Is that a dinosaur?
If you translate it back you get…
kobold life in kinship! years ago in the battle to honor! Pink flesh, as the attacking clothed and in his right! in the right hand, and shit? Dinosaur’s?

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Session 2.7 - The Day before the Day before the Final Prep Day before the Heist Day AKA Another Planning Session!!!

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06/05/2018 Session

Quick Retcon Section

It appears that no retconned happen?

Interesting People

Grrrk and Ebit – Astors Kobold companions from the previous session.

Janine – Female human leading a branch of KJW in Tentra with a sister in a higher, potentially political, position in Kadena.

Bryce Casmo – A guard captain.

Hype Man – a mercenary with extraordinary skill at basic heckling, exceptional skill at moderate heckling, and an undisclosed amount of skill at expert heckling.

Sass Master – a mercenary with a lot of sass. So much sass that we wanted to get as far away from him as we could that we didn’t actually get his name.

Zane – leader of the mercenaries, Hell Rats.

Locations of Interest

The Spry Cooper – the seediest club.

The Brass Flint – a tavern(?) in Kadena where Edgar can meet with the Hell Rats Mercenary group in two weeks time.

Emona – Town One

Shocko – Town Two

Dery – Town Three

What Our Mission Is For the Next Campaign

Hopefully the heist…finally.

Swindler’s List

Nothing stolen this session

The Short Notes

Day 9

Glim: Does. Some. Fucking. Science!

Astor: Bought the scrolls of knock and paid the kobold mercenaries.

Edgar and Thirteen: Edgar goes to the Spry Cooper with Thirteen following behind at around 9:00 PM. Few people were having drinks and meals, but was relatively empty. Edgar orders a drink. And then another one. And then a third one. Now that he pre-gamed, he begins talking with the bartender. The bartender tells him more about the town and a bunch of useless information that doesn’t really help with the heist, but when asked about the pet he provided some useful information. Wait a minute. All he said about the pet is that it started to roar a couple of weeks ago.

Three people are having a KJW meeting at the bar thanks to some mystical point spending. Anyways, the meeting discussed information about kobolds and their oppressed lives in the shanty towns around Kadena and about having a meeting with her sister in Kadena to hopefully start THE KOBOLD REVOLUTION! LONG LIVE THE KOBOLDS! LONG LIVE THE KOBOLDS! qaStaHvIS yIn pujbe’ Kobold Kinship! ben law’ batlhmey ghISDen! batlh pach! Daw’! ruv!1

Edgar asks the hard questions like, “How come you care about kobold rights when you ain’t a kobold?” and also, “What’s your name, darling?” And let me tell you, young teenage men, if you want to ask a girl for her name, and she wont give it to you, just continuously call her Jenny. Eventually she will yell, “Jesus Christ! My name is not Jenny! Its ____________!” It works like, 20% of the time.

The leader of the KJW is named Janine. She was in the 20%.

Day 10

Glim: Continues. With. ALL! Dat. Alchemy!

Astor: Oh right, he was attacked by A FUCKING TIGER! Astor takes some time to make sure his wounds are healed.

Edgar and Thirteen: Ooooooh boy. The good day.

Edgar sees a couple of guards playing dice, training, doing guard-like things. He approaches and is like, “Hello my fellow guards. Do you like skateboard,” and then the captain of this little session is all like, “Hey man, we rollerblade in these streets.” So Edgar asks to see the leader of these guards to show him the ways of skateboard. But no for realsie, Edgar wanted to be in on the guard/merc escort mission and the guard, Bryce Casmo, was all like, “we aren’t excepting any more help. You should have been here 2 weeks,” and then Edgar is all like but what about the mercs and Bryce was like urgh. You see, Sir Wildingham specifically hired the mercs himself because apparently he just really likes them. After some negotiation, Bryce tells Edgar you can find the merc team at the manor if you really wanted to be hired. So Edgar and Thirteen go to the manor.

At the manor there was a couple of mercenaries. Edgar asks if he could speak to their leader and the smug man was like, “You have the ability to talk to him.” Another guard, due to pointly powers, began to heckle Edgar with oooh’s and OH’s and Got em’s! Edgar then gives his pitch about how great he is and he still only gets sassed back. So Edgar brings up that he has this dope ass cleric friend named Thirteen…who promptly did not help with the pitch. Eventually, cause he probably thought it would be humorous, Sass Master Extraordinaire goes off to get the Merc Captain.

The Merc Captain comes out and is all like, “Let me hear your pitch,” so Edgar gives him the pitch about how he should be hired for this escort mission cause he’s all big and strong and really wants to. So the Merc Captain gives him the hardest follow up question anyone can ask.


After like, 4 minutes of what looked like fear across Edgar’s consciousnesses, he finally answered with the idea of “wanting to be tested” and a bunch of other hot bullshit. The Merc Captain, named Zane, totes things Edgar has what it takes, but he won’t hire him for this mission. He set’s up a meeting with at the Brass Flint in Kadena in two weeks if Edgar really wants in. Also the mercs are named Hell Rats…..cause after 30 minutes of randomly generating mercenary names and metal band names, this was the best one. Thanks random generators. You are all so perfectly garbage.

Day 11

Glim: Not. A. Single. Accident. in. The. Lab.

Astor: Basically has a full day to himself. Is fully healed. Lives his best life.

Edgar and Thirteen: They go meet up with Peter to get the final information at noon. Thirteen looks and notes that there are 9, nearly identical, wagons. Peter tells them that they are for sure going the south route. They will pick up 2 additional wagons along the way. For the total guard number, there are about 35 guards and 10 mercenaries, but 10 guards will stay behind to protect the estate. They will eat breakfast when they wake up in the morning, snack along the walk, and prepare dinner on the road, with them coming to a stop for the night before they eat. He provided no more information on the pet.

Edgar makes sure to tell Peter to be on night duty, and that a raven will drop a coin at him to signal that he should follow the raven when the business is about to go down. Also, Peter is 5’7", has short curly, dark red hair with copper skin and brown eyes. Also he is a tad pudgy.

Then they set off to travel.

Day 12

Glim: Finished with his production, Glim meets up with Astor and they head off with the kobold mercenaries!

Astor: Goes with Glim!

Edgar and Thirteen: Continue Travelling! But wait, what is this? An encounter!?!?!? Oooh NOOO! But its ok. Cause on Day 14 Glim and Astor and the Kobold Fodder will have an encounter themselves.


I put in….
Long Live The Glorious Kobold Kinship! Glory be to thy scales! Honor be to thy Claws! REVOLUTION! JUSTICE!
If you translate it back you get…
till I found myself crossing the kobold not kinship! years ago honor scales! claws, the honor! revolt! justice!

Which, honestly, is close enough.

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Session 2.6 - Urgh, Math AKA Oceans 4 still Planning

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05/09/2018 Session

Quick Retcon Section

Well, we changed the plan a smidge? Also Astor and Glim had a conversation with some alchemist that actually didn’t happen.

Interesting People

Bilcorn Locus – Old acquaintance of Glim that Glim fantasized about.

Selza Trina – Old acquaintance of Glim

Orros Gamop – Old acquaintance of Glim

Captain Drake – Lady knight in charge of the mission. And no, you can not call her on her cell phone.

Rowan Da Gray – a guard

Bryce Casbo – Right Hand Man To Captain Drake

Thomas Torbj – The Other Right Hand Man to Captain Drake. Has a daughter known as Brig, who may or may not have cancer. Different guards will tell you different things about Brig’s health conditions. The guards with the fancy dancy high end metals will tell you that she’s fine, but the guard named Gengoo with the bronze medal will tell you Brig has full blown super cancer.

Locations of Interest

Alarak Tap House – After serving as the highlord of the “Tal’darim” and allying himself with the “Daelaam” against the dark forces of Amon, Alarak has settled down in the city of Tentra to offer the best brews seen throughout all of Protoss Space. Drink the finest drinks on this side of the Koprulu Sector, rich with terrazine gas and the blood of the Tal’darim enemy. Only at Alarak’s Tap House.

Grim Patron: “…Wait, your drinks are made with the blood of your enemies?”
Alarak: “Yes, but that is irrelevant. What is relevant is the great low prices for such great low tastes!”

What Our Mission Is For the Next Campaign

The Boys will go out and do Oceans 4.

Swindler’s List

The session – The players’ souls and brain power.

The Short Notes

Thirteen and Edgar, before heading out for their part of the plan, gave Astor 1,108 gold to cover the knock scrolls and the cost to pay Glim’s assistants and ingredients. Glim, meanwhile, starts prepping his poison.

Thirteen and Edgar head on out.

Home Team

Glim thinks about the people he used to know in the alchemy guild or whatever his strange life used to be. He knows that his colleagues, Bilcorn Locus, Selza Trina, and Orros Gamop, would all be willing to work under the table. Glim then fantasizes about Astor traveling to Bilcorn’s residence to seek his assistance. Upon arriving, Bilcorn lets Astor in and tells him the rate at which he will work, which happens to be 3 gold per shift. When told about the shady aspect of the deal, Bilcorn wanted more money, so Astor was all like, “Fuck you. I want haggle. It’s 3 gold per hour or nothing!” But you see, the joke is, the original price was 3 gold per shift. A shift is every 4 hours, so Astor actually QUADRUPLED the payment. Upon learning his mistake, Astor quickly corrected himself by offering 9 gold per shift. And then they fucked. Hardcore, super graphic Gnome on halfling gay-ass, butt fucking sex.

Glim then snaps out of fantasizing about Astor and Bilcorn’s wild sexcapades and realized that this poison will need a lot more then 3 helpers and decides to not include his colleagues. Almost as if he remembered he left the Alchemist Guild for a reason. That reason was everyone else were complete dickweeds. Or probably cause Glim blew something up or was doing illegal drug trades with minors. I would actually write down the real reason he is no longer a part of the guild, but you know, that would actually require Glim’s character and backstory to actually be put on the wiki, but apparently SOME DIVINE ASSHOLE IS TOO FUCKING LAZY!

Away Team

Thirteen and Edgar had a nice safe trip, except they ended up hearing some assholes having an argument. A very large argument. Rude names were being called too. Also some basic math that even a kindergartner could do, but somehow they weren’t capable of doing such things. Turns out, it was an ettin with two heads. So Thirteen and Edgar did the one thing they knew how to do; fuck up this ettin by slashing swords in kneecaps and shoving blades up the poopchute.

They continued with their travel.

Home Team

…How does dilution work? Like, if the team would put the poison in the food, how exactly does that work? Many questions were asked, but no answers were given. Home team finally decides to do all the math at this point, but it’s ok as Thirteen and Edgar preemptively gave Astor the needed gold determined by this math before heading out, CAUSE HA! Fuck you time! Also, maybe, just maybe, math should now be done in-between sessions as this session came to a complete and total stop for 2 and a half hours.


The assassin guild is 6 gold per shift, and will work two shift a day. They will do additional shifts, but will charge 8 gold per addition shift. Assuming we don’t charge overtime, and the base cost of materials for 20 poisons, it will be a grand total of 3,024 gold.

The two available merc groups are both reliable and known to sticking to contract, but one is better skilled than the other. It was determined that the “Bandit group size” would be anywhere from 6 to 12 people, with the cheapest option being 2 gold per person per day, but 2 times the total payment if the merc would die. When asked about the weaker power level of the merc, it was stated that they may be able to take on a kobold, but not guaranteed. Oh, B. T. Dubs. The weaker merc group is known as “The Fodder,” a mercenary group exclusively made up of Kobolds.

So, if you hire one person for seven days, its 14 gold. for nine days, its 18 gold. The group decides to hire 10 kobolds, so 140 or 180 gold.

P.S. The cost of mercs double in cost per challenge rating step. Kobolds are at a CR of 1/8 and cost 2 gold. so a CR of 1/4 would be 4, 1/2 would be 8, CR 1 would be 16, and so on and so. So a Merc of CR 10 would be 8,192 gold a day. Somehow, someway, the gang will find a way to abuse this.

Each knock scroll can be gotten at a discount of 410 per scroll, for a total of 1230.


180 gold for mercs.

1230 for scrolls.

3024 for base materials and labors.

4434 for a successful heist.

4435 gold reward to make profit!

Also Glim now heads out day 12 instead of day 11 or whatever to get the extra shifts for poison making.

Home Team

Astor finally does his part of scouting the mountain path, but first he hires two kobold mercs to go with him, just in case something goes down. And oh man, did something go down, and that something was Astor. He got bit and knocked out by a sabertooth tiger. Luckily, good ol CR 1/8s fucked that tiger up. Thats right folks. two 1/8s did what a CLVL of 5 could not. So, if a CR is meant for 4 players, that puts Astors CR at 5/4, which is still 10 times grater than single kobold, which means these kobolds are FUCKING JACKED! So Astor did the smart thing, and he paid them “double.” He really only paid an extra 10 gold….

Thou art I… And I am thou…
Thou hast established a new bond…

It Brings thee closer to the truth…

Thou shalt be blessed when scamming
Kobolds of the Fodder Arcana…

>Astor has established the Kobold Fodder Social Link of the Fodder Arcana!
>Astor may now spend Monir Points on influencing the world in a Kobold-Positive Nature.
>Kobold Fodder Mercenaries determination in battle has been enhanced…
>Kobold Fodder Mercenaries can now finish a battle after you take a mortal blow in battle!

Astor, now a Kobold Justice Warrior (KJW), finish scouting the area and heads back to the city to check on Glim. Along the way, he notices a group of guards leaving an inn. Astor marks one of the 15ish guards to find out which direction the guards are heading for the day ( they are heading back in the direction into the hills).

Astor is back in Kadena by day 9.

The Away Team

They rest for the night after arriving at their location. They go find Peter Mistspitter, their guard on the inside. Along the way they talk to a couple of guards to see if they can get in on the escorting mission, noting that there are currently six wagons, which creates are being loaded into. The guards tell the boys to talk with Captain Drake, who is currently located at the mansion, if they want to try and get in on the mission, but the mansion is super super guarded. So it would be best to catch her when she goes to the inn. Edgar, disguised as Barnibus, is all like, “Yo, I heard my boy Peter is here, where he at?” The guard, who is known as Rowin Da Gray, tells him that Peter is at the stables.

At the the stables, Peter is taking care of the horses while talking with a couple of guards. Thirteen uses his mind talking powers to calmly tell Peter to come over to Edgar, which Peter instantly fucks up and very nervously approaches rather than calmly. 0 for 1 so far Pete. Edgar/Barnibus has a “loud” talk with Peter, acting all buddy buddy from college and establishes a narrative that its been so long they should go and talk privately. When talking all private and quite like, MB spills the beans to Mistspitter about his part in the grand plan and to get any info out of Pete. Specifically the route and guard numbers, which only the captain and her two right hand men know the route.

Pete mentions that the guard count sits at 20 guards, with 10 hired hands, and even more are coming. They will be leaving a good number of guards behind at the mansion to protect the rest of the family, but the exact number he does not know.

Edgar notes that Peter is 5’7". Oh, also, Peter may or may not be a KJW. Ok, he totally is. A point was spent. Kobolds will have their day in the sun.

Edgar and Thirteen tell Peter that they will see him in six days from now, at the stables at noon so that he can tell us specific information closer to the set off date, and it will be disguised as Edgar/Barnibus telling his old friend good bye as we leave.

The information we want is the exact guard count going with the caravan, which route, the total number of wagons, and then, if he can, which wagon has the good stuff, what time they plan on eating their dinners, and any info on this “new pet.”

Also, we are staying at an inn called Alarak Tap House.


GOING into Day9!

Astor is in Kadena.
Edgar and Thirteen are in Tentra.
Glim is working with his workers to make the poison.

Day 11 is when Thirteen and Edgar will get info out of Peter.

Day 12 is when Glim (and Astor and the mercs?) will leave Kadena.

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Session 2.5 - Francis Wildingham's Family Jewels

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04/18/2018 Session

Quick Retcon Section

Success. No Retcon needed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Interesting People

Elegnos Falavaul – Male Half-elf. one of the Guild’s counterfeiters.

Crash – Male Bandicoot. Test subject of Dr. Cortex. Was magically transformed into a Kenku and is now the other counterfeiter.

Holfo Oldbuck – Lightfoot halfling Quartermaster

Locations of Interest

This Map!!!! It won’t flip, but trust me, opening it in another tab somehow makes it the right way facing up, cause reasons.


What Our Mission Is For the Next Campaign…The TLDR For the Session

Over the course of two weeks, the team will split into a Home Team (Astor and Glim) and an Away Team (Edgar and Thirteen).

The Home Team will:

  • Scout the Mountain path as it is the ideal route we want the caravan to take.
  • Buy some knock scrolls (at least 3).
  • Hire some mercenaries to act out as bandits as a back up plan.
  • Talk to the assassin’s guild to see if they are willing to help (Glim) make some poisons.
  • Head out to base camp, a point located in the middle of the two routes.

The Away Team will:

  • Head out to Tentra immediately.
  • Gather intell about the caravan and the guards.
  • Talk with the man on the inside, Peter Mistspitter, about which way the caravan is most likely heading and establish what he needs to do.
  • Meet up and most likely establish base camp.

After the two weeks, the caravan should start moving.

The Heist:

  • The Team and the mercenaries will head out and prepare the heist based off the intell gathered by The Away Team.
  • During one of the nights, Edgar will sneak on in, tag out Peter, and then proceed to poison the food supplies with slumber weed.
  • Edgar sneaks on out.
  • The boys move in on the caravan after the poison has set.
  • NOTE: Astor, using Tiki, will signal the mercenaries if they discover that they need them.
  • Thirteen casts silence on the treasures.
  • The gang uses the scrolls of knock on the three treasures.
  • Empty them out into our bag of holding while making sure we hit the correct jewels.
  • Run away.

Swindler’s List

The Gang – The DM’s time

The Short Notes

TLDR: The gang determines the amazing plan to swindle some jewels!

Simply put, Glim will poison some food, the gang will get some mercenaries to pretend to be bandits to distract the guards if needed, then the boys swoop in and steal some shit. The team looks at a map.

Edgar used his knowledge while looking at a map (see above) to know that there are two major routes between Kadena and Tentra and that the mountain path is used more and has a patrol due to a higher than average bandit count. The thunder plains route is used every now and then, but most people don’t usually take this route because they don’t want to get wet and have their hair go all frizzy from all the moist air caused by the rain that usually accompanies thunder. The team decide on a central position on the map to be set up as base camp.

Edgar also has incredible map knowledge to know that the given days of travels on the map are indeed meant for carivans and large travel parties, and knows that a smaller group will be able to get to their locations a bit faster, with the thunder plains route actually being 5-6 days worth of travel and the mountain path being 7-8 days. He also notes that traveling not on the main roads will be slower than traveling on said roads. So if the gang wants to make any movement on the side roads/open plains, they will lose a small, but still totally within their scheduled, amount of time.

Astor decides that it would be best to split the group up into two teams during the preparation weeks; a home team and an away team. Glim is staying on home team duties to prep some poisons, make some items. You know. Actually get value out of his degree for once. Edgar will also stay back and help persuade some mercenaries to join our clause. Thirteen, being the “muscle” is to go on the away team, along with Astor because Tiki is OP OP when it comes to scouting and will be useful during this preparation phase.

Astor’s goal when the away team makes it to Tentra is to get information about the guard patrol, primarily learning which route they will take and then potentially get hired on. Upon learning which route they will take, Thirteen is suppose to go to base camp and wait for the home team and the mercenaries to inform them on the route.

The gang decides that the home team will also need to find three scrolls of knocks.

The gang finally decides to plan out the first timeline.

Day 1: The away team (Thirteen and Astor), will travel to Tentra on the fastest route.
Glim shall brew poisons and buy some knock scrolls and then brew/craft/buy anything he deems will be fun and exciting.
Edgar will scout the mountain path a bit as its the prime route. Edgar will also talk with the mercenaries.

Day 7ish: Astor and Thirteen gather information at Tentra.

Day 10/11ish: Thirteen heads to base camp. Astor will also hopefully travel back to base camp.
Edgar and Glim start to head out for base camp with the mercenaries.

Day 14: The caravan sets off. The heist is set in motion.

Heist Night: The mercenaries attack a poisoned caravan! To cause a distraction….and. Uh. wait. Stop.

How do they make sure they get the poison in to the caravan? How do they make sure the poison works? What is the poison? How do poison? HOW!?!? What if everyone just goes to Tentra? Do we need to even prep in Kadena? Maybe this whole plan is falling apart? When do the boys even make their moves? Will it be at night? Yes? Good. The boys don’t have any night vision. Do they poison the dinner? If so then that means that the caravan will be sick in the morning. EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART!


Edgar decides that our man on the inside is too spineless to poison the food, so he must disguise himself as Mistspitter to sneak in the poison. So now, Edgar is on the away team and Astor is on the home team.

Timeline 2
Day 1: The away team (Thirteen and Edgar), will travel to Tentra on the fastest route.
Glim shall brew poisons and buy some knock scrolls and then brew/craft/buy anything he deems will be fun and exciting.
Astor will scout the mountain path a bit as its the prime route. Astor will also talk to some mercenaries.

Day 7ish: Edgar and Thirteen gather information at Tentra.

Day 10/11ish: Thirteen heads to base camp Edgarwill also hopefully travel back to base camp.
Astor and Glim start to head out for base camp with the mercenaries.

Day 14: The caravan sets off. The heist is set in motion.

Heist Night: Edgar slips in as Mistspitter and poisons the food. Edgar slips out. Sometime later when the poison kicks in, the mercenaries go in and the boys sneak in to push the payload.

Glim then debates maybe a sleeping poison would be better instead of food poison or whatever the current poison is as it means we won’t have to rely on some mercenaries to help with a distraction….NEW TIMELINE AGAIN!

Timeline 3
Day 1: The away team (Thirteen and Edgar), will travel to Tentra on the fastest route.
Glim shall brew poisons and buy some knock scrolls and then brew/craft/buy anything he deems will be fun and exciting.
Astor will scout the mountain path a bit as its the prime route.

Day 7ish: Edgar and Thirteen gather information at Tentra.

Day 10/11ish: Thirteen heads to base camp and Edgar will also hopefully travel back to base camp.
Astor and Glim start to head out for base camp.

Day 14: The caravan sets off. The heist is set in motion.

Heist Night: Edgar slips in as Mistspitter and poisons the food. Edgar slips out. All of the caravan people are asleep. The boys get the goods.

The gang decide its finally time to run the plan by Cloudfang to see if he has any input and to see if he has any information/valuable items he can give us. Also, mercenary groups are expensive and Astor wants to see if the guild has any in our pocket / if the guild will pay for the costs. Cloudfang laughs. The guild won’t pay, but he does know of three groups and can potentially get us a discount. Wait, not three groups. Just two groups. That last group is too stabby stabby. Cloudfang also gives the gang FOUR horses so that can pretend to be the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Cloudfang also also tells the gang about the quartermaster Holfo Oldbuck as a good source to get our scrolls of knock.

And then Cloudfang tries to poke holes in the perfect plan. The nobles don’t eat the same meal as the soldiers, so how are they suppose to be knocked out? Simple. With fire. Duh. Come on Cloudfang, that’s like what the gang loves to do. But no, the gang will just need more poison. He also restates that Francis has a new pet, so we really want to make sure Francis is out so he doesn’t have a chance to un-cage the new pet….cause surely its not already out and running about.

Glim has a new plan. What if the caravan doesn’t eat? To make sure we still get them all knocked out and such, Glim wants to use an inhale potion instead of ingest potion.

Timeline 4
Day 1: The away team (Thirteen and Edgar), will travel to Tentra on the fastest route.
Glim shall brew poisons and buy some knock scrolls and then brew/craft/buy anything he deems will be fun and exciting.
Astor will scout the mountain path a bit as its the prime route.

Day 7ish: Edgar and Thirteen gather information at Tentra.

Day 10/11ish: Thirteen heads to base camp. Edgar will also hopefully travel back to base camp.
Astor and Glim start to head out for base camp.

Day 14: The caravan sets off. The heist is set in motion.

Heist Night: Edgar slips in as Mistspitter and poisons THE AIR! Edgar slips out. All of the caravan people are asleep. The boys get the goods.

Hold on wait. How do we make sure we don’t ingest the poison ourselves? Also there was another reason for this plan to go down, but the notes make no god damn sense, but Glim decides to go back to using an ingest poison instead of the inhale poison that was going to replace the original ingest poison, leaving the boys back on the following plan:

Timeline 3 Again
Day 1: The away team (Thirteen and Edgar), will travel to Tentra on the fastest route.
Glim shall brew poisons and buy some knock scrolls and then brew/craft/buy anything he deems will be fun and exciting.
Astor will scout the mountain path a bit as its the prime route.

Day 7ish: Edgar and Thirteen gather information at Tentra.

Day 10/11ish: Thirteen heads to base camp Edgarwill also hopefully travel back to base camp.
Astor and Glim start to head out for base camp.

Day 14: The caravan sets off. The heist is set in motion.

Heist Night: Edgar slips in as Mistspitter and poisons the food. Edgar slips out. All of the caravan people are asleep. The boys get the goods.

Astor wants to hit up the assassin guild because he believes they can totally help in what has so far been a non-lethal plan this entire time. Something about the assassins being masters of poison and can probably help Glim develop some poisons.

Wait. What’s that? Is that the Divine Master’s voice talking to Glim’s innerself? Why yes it is! Something about lunar phases and some shroom thing growing in the arctic dino jungle. Either way these two voices keep talking all about poisons and numbers and values and ingredients and how they work and what not, so the other innerselves of the gangs all pull out these magical glowing screens that are powered by green metals that emit shocking grasps spells continuously and are playing rad games like “Fire Emblem” and “Zelda” and “Oh God I Should Check My Work Schedule.”

Oh, it seems Glim’s innerself has snapped out if and reveals to the group some sweet information about what actual poison he wants to use. Finally. After discussing four total plans, the gang now knows the possible way to actually poison. There’s the dana berry route, a pattran route, a slumber weed route, or a poison apple route. All have various methods of obtaining and various skills and either puts targets to sleep or knock them out. None of the options require the mushrooms, so it looks like the boys won’t go on a Journey to Dino Jungle.

The team decides to go with an unconscious route, so that leaves the apples or the slumber weed. The boys go with the apple cause it has the best stats, making the new plan:

Timeline 5
Day 1: The away team (Thirteen and Edgar), will travel to Tentra on the fastest route.
Glim shall buy some knock scrolls and then brew/craft/buy anything he deems will be fun and exciting.
Glim sets up a poison apple orchard.
Astor will scout the mountain path a bit as its the prime route.
Astor will also talk to the assassin’s guild to see if he can get help for Glim on making his orchard.

Day 7ish: Edgar and Thirteen gather information at Tentra.
Glim realizes that an orchard takes longer then the time we have available and goes and buys some poison apples.

Day 10/11ish: Thirteen heads to base camp and Edgar will also hopefully travel back to base camp.
Astor and Glim start to head out for base camp.

Day 14: The caravan sets off. The heist is set in motion.

Heist Night: Edgar slips in as Mistspitter and goes all Evil Queen on Snow White. Edgar slips out. All of the caravan people are knocked out. The boys get the goods.

Oh, what’s that? Poison apples cause their target to be unconscious for weeks, meaning that they will all die eventually? LOL! Ok, slumber weed it is.

Timeline 6
Day 1: The away team (Thirteen and Edgar), will travel to Tentra on the fastest route.
Glim shall buy some knock scrolls and then brew/craft/buy anything he deems will be fun and exciting.
Glim makes an appointment with his doctor to get some recreational marijuana.
Astor will scout the mountain path a bit as its the prime route.
Astor will also talk to the assassin’s guild to see if he can find anyone to teach Glim how to roll the best blunts.

Day 7ish: Edgar and Thirteen gather information at Tentra.

Day 10/11ish: Thirteen heads to base camp. Edgar will also hopefully travel back to base camp.
Astor and Glim start to head out for base camp.

Day 14: The caravan sets off. The heist is set in motion.

Heist Night: Edgar slips in as Snoop Dog and passes a joint. Edgar slips out. All of the caravan people are knocked out. The boys get the goods.

Hm. The gang is already getting some scrolls of knocks, why not just get some scrolls of sleep?

Timeline 7
You know what never mind scrolls are dumb.

Oh right. The gang decides that they should still probably get some mercenaries to act out as bandits incase the slumber weed doesn’t effect everybody.

Timeline 8
Day 1: The away team (Thirteen and Edgar), will travel to Tentra on the fastest route.
Glim shall buy some knock scrolls and then brew/craft/buy anything he deems will be fun and exciting.
Glim makes an appointment with his doctor to get some recreational marijuana.
Astor will scout the mountain path a bit as its the prime route.
Astor will also talk to the assassin’s guild to see if he can find anyone to teach Glim how to roll the best blunts.
Astor will also also get some mercenaries to pretend to be non-lethal bandits.

Day 7ish: Edgar and Thirteen gather information at Tentra.

Day 10/11ish: Thirteen heads to base camp. Edgar will also hopefully travel back to base camp.
Astor and Glim start to head out for base camp with their mercenaries.

Day 14: The caravan sets off. The heist is set in motion.

Heist Night: Edgar slips in as Snoop Dog and passes a joint. Edgar slips out. All of the caravan people are knocked out. The boys get the goods.

It seems this is the final plan.

TLDR: Glim goes shopping and poison making. Astor does some talking. Astor will also do some scouting, but really Tiki is OP OP here and will probably do that work for him. Edgar and Thirteen go on a sensual horseback ride together.

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Session 2.4 - The Girl Scout Troop 306 of Kadena, Sponsored by Troopmother Cloudfang's Cotton Candy Carriage

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2/27/2018 Session

Quick Retcon Section

We almost redid the whole chase from last session, but then we didn’t, but then we almost did, but then we didn’t. Sooooo no retcon.

Interesting People

Tifa Chellie – a female Rock Gnome jeweler fence that works with the guild

Tifa Chellie’s buddy – A guy who is in the know

Wildingham Family – a rich Gnome family. A mom, a dead husband, a snobby son with a gambling problem and two other younger children.

Francis Wildingham Jr – a man who just inherited a huge cache of jewels and trying to move them to a city to sell them. Cause he’s in a gambling debt with some dicers….It’s the thieves guild.

Peter Mistspitter – a guard with the caravan moving the goods who is one of ours.

Locations of Interest

Nowhere was interesting.

What Our Mission Is For the Next Campaign

Ask Cloudfang about mercenaries on good terms with the guild.

To steal three valuable jewels from a rich fancy pants somebody who plans on selling them to pay a debt to us, so that he can’t pay the debt to us.

Swindler’s List

Astor – The rest of the bird seeds.

The Gang – Madamn Gliza’s priceless tray1.

The Players – DMs money. We got 1,500 for each of the magical mayo jars when they were only worth 500! hAA!

The Short Notes

The gang all ran back to the hideout after escaping the guards, only to immediately run right back out, but this time to Doran’s house to burn that bitch down! Thirteen starts this session off by doing his one useful thing and silenced the front door as Glim destroys it with acid. Once inside, Astor goes off to do the most important of all important tasks; he steals the rest of the bird seeds. Everyone else prepares for the second most important task, pushing the bed over to the side and stealing the money from the little compartment. Astor looks around for something to burn the house down with, so naturally he looks outside as the rest of the gang takes their time fiddling with Glim’s magical rope to hold open the compartment and discovers that there is a cellar door outside. This cellar door come into play exactly 0% of this campaign.

Tiki notices a group of guards, and Doran, walking this way. The boys grab everything they can while Astor throws around the best flammable substance he could find! VEGETABLE OIL! Now that’s what we’re cooking! A HOUSE! With two birds inside! We got two birds with one firestarter stick! HA! Take that nature! Note, the house was not set on fire until after everyone ran out. Astor isn’t a mad pyro maniac. That would be Galza. Silly ol’ biddy. Setting up her own tavern to blow. What a hoot that one was. Everyone used Astor’s magical rope to get over the fence, which some people saw movement in some windows or something, but who cares. Eventually the gang will all have magical disguises anyways. The boys booked it back to HQ, safe and sound, slightly singed, and smelled of smoke. Just like the boys like it.

Cloudfang appears cause he could smell the smoke and realized that it must mean that his top dogs are back and he’s totally ready to kick it and party with the hottest (EH! EHHHEE!!!) guys he knows. He may or may not, mostly the not, have questioned the abilities and the success of our dapper heroes, but jokes on him, this party has like 19 different people all trying to be face and they convinced good old Cloudfang that it was a blazing success. Thirteen, in all of his wisdom, realized that the boys may need some disguises and went to Glim to ask for a magical device that could do just that.

And then the boys all put on drag2! Realizing that we still aren’t done with our tutorial mission, we ask Cloudfang if he might know where Gliza lives, and he magically had a rough guesstimate as to where she may live. Also Astor feeds Tiki some seeds cause Tiki is the only character playing with fatigue and exhaustion rules. The gang rolls on out.

After half an hour (cause the boy dressed as girls are on an hour time limit due to magical disguises and what not), they make it to Gliza’s Plaza who tried to shoo them away cause she didn’t want any Girl Scout Cookies. Luckily Astor used his little girl charm and convinced her that she did in fact need Samoas and Thin Mints, so Gliza invited everyone in as she goes to her cookie jar to pull out all the lose coins to buy our delicious treats. While she goes to look for coins, she offered the cute scouts some biscuits and tea. Thirteen telepathically tells everyone to pretend like we are being used by the thieves guild to talk about the thieves guild with her so that she wouldn’t think we were girl scout troop sponsored by the thieves guild. Glim is also super tense the entire time we’re here. Worrying if he can smell anything. Cause last time, shit blew up. Gliza is a known arsonist. Rather, she is known to set up her valuables to blow into flames to disguise the fact that she’s probably super shady and into illegal coke dealing, and then accuse others with being arsonists. Which is just not a very kind thing to do and is frowned upon by the members of Arsonist Anonymoust.

Gliza comes back and the boys talk about the incident, and Gliza goes all crazy with talking about justice and how it always on the side of the good folk (whoa….that’s almost close to fine folk, which is what Thirteen calls criminals and outlaws). She goes on about how she “forgives” the culprits and she leans into Edgar about all the “victims” who are being squeezed are joining together, forming a Legion of Doom…wait technically they’re the good guys… Forming a nonviolent, friendly neighborhood watch group. Astor tries to get insurance information out of the old hag, cause girl scouts are all about that insurance3, but she states it will take a day and that’s well past Astor’s cute girl power charm ability. The boys try to get more information about the anti-squeeze group, and she states she only heard about it and is no longer a member seeing as she is no longer a productive member of society without her establishment. She was very adamant on letting us cute girl scouts know that her place of business was blown up in a firey ball of hot inferno, which was, for the record, her fault. Did she trigger the trap? No. But she set up a trap for a secret private room that was so powerful it would take out her whole place of work. She is not an innocent old lady.

Anyways, Edgar tries to become penpals with her, for whatever reason, and he uses Doran’s address and the fake name “Magnum Shumpert,” the hardcore of the hardcore of the Girl Scouts. She offers us some biscuits, but the team really wanted the whole tray, but she was all like, “but its my favorite tray,” so the gang was like, “then we need a box,” so she goes to get a box and the gang yoinks the tray and all the biscuits. HA! Got ’em!

As the gang is on their way back to HQ, they dip into an alleyway to take off their disguises because they were about to walk by a Walmart and saw that they had some Salvation Army bellringing and the gang really REAAAAAALLY didn’t want to get dragged into that. Not because our hour long disguises would have worn off, but because it’s super boring. Like, suuuuuuuuuuper boring. When we make it to HQ, people gather cause they can smell us. Not of smoke this time, but of BISCUITS! Now we’re the cool guys. We have 8 left, Glim has an additional one for scientific reasons. If it they were bagels or donuts, then it would have been a different kind of “scientific.” Cloudfang comes over and is all like, “Hey. You got biscuits,” and the gang is all like, “Yah, we got biscuits.” Cloudfang was all like, “Man, it sure would be great if I had a biscuit for everytime you accident started a fire when I told you not to play with fire,” and the gang felt a tad guilty so we gave him a kind of cold biscuit, so when Cloudfang was like, “This would be good if it was warm,” the gang was like, “Sorry, we aren’t allowed to play with fire.”

The gang talks about the resistance movement, and then Cloudfang gave the team their reward for the tutorial mission! We were also told about our next mission!

Tifa Chellie has a buddy who gave her a heads up that snooby Francis Wildingham Jr is moving a huge cache of jewels with a caravan that he just inherited. Apparently he is looking to sell them, which we don’t want cause he has a huge gambling debt towards us, and we don’t want him to get out of it. So our job is to get teh jewels to Kadena. He will be moving the gems in 2 weeks from Tentra with a sizable guard. There are one to three chests full of jewels, however most of the jewels aren’t super valuable, but there are three important ones the boys absolutely must get. a blue diamond cut in the shape of a star that is roughly the size of a fist. A pair of fire opal earrings (count as one item even though its technically two). And the last item is a band of black pearls. We have a guy within the guards (named Peter Mistspitter). The town they are leaving from is south east and about a week out. Tifa doesn’t know if her source had anymore information, but she still had some more information. The mansion that the caravan will start at has a heavy amount of guards as well. She also notes that Mistspitter will probably take some convincing, as he is basically spineless. Also, rumors are abound that Francis Jr done did got himself an interesting pet.

The boys decide to come up with a plan that may or may not involve some mercenaries. They go to ask Cloudfang about any mercenaries on good terms with the guild. The plan is to have the mercenaries set up as bandits and cause a distraction for the caravan. There was also more plans discussed, but nothing that mattered/stuck in the notes.

1. Priceless. As in, actually worthless.

2. The boys did not really put on drag, but rather magical disguises.

3. Girl scouts really do have an insurance policy. Look it up.

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Session 2.3 - The Jeweler, The Butcher, and The Damn Birds: The Voyage of Burning Everything The Meat Man Loved

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2/6/2018 Session

Quick Retcon Section

The stew pot Glim forgot to tip over is now out to kill us. I don’t remember what brought this up, or what this was about, but it was in the notes.

Interesting People

Gorvil’s genderless children – We weren’t told their genders. Not like it matters. The only important detail is that there was two of ‘em. And they totally weren’t scared, they were simply in awe about how rad of a dude Thirteen is.

Falk Crew – 50 year old Skeltia (Asian) human male; butcher at Crew Cuts.

Locations of Interest

Golden House – Gorvil’s store.

Crew Cuts – It’s a butcher shop. Want to know more? No. Why? Cause Falk Crew! That’s why.

Cleaf Cleavers – Doran’s butchery.

Rohnas Roast – Some other butchery.

Bird Nest – Doran’s home with a secret stash of money under the bed.

What Our Mission Is For the Next Campaign

To go back to Doran’s home, steal some money, maybe burn it down, AND TO KILL HIS PRECIOUS BIRDS!

Swindler’s List

Edgar – Gorvil’s heart

Doran – 2 Gold for 2 pounds of Pork Chops from Glim….come on man. That’s like, extortion pricing.

The Short Notes

Before the gang left, Cloudfang gave Astor his sick ass magic item from his pocket of holding, which was a pretty sweet item in a list of pretty sweet items.

The gang leaves the hideout to go check out Gorvil. While out on the streets, the gang notices a ton of extra guards out and about talking to people. This is probably due to that rumored tavern fire that went down that the gang totally didn’t have anything to do with and how dare you accuse any one of us without a lawyer present you elitist gnome pigs.

Btw, before leaving the hideout, Edgar totally cleaned up. Cause, you know. Char. Ash. Scorched marks.

We make it to the not Jewish jeweler and we can see the smoke in the distance from the supposed burned down tavern. Look. Pics or it didn’t happen. The jewel shop is known as the Golden House. Astor suggests we walk in and have everyone leave, have Glim flip the close sign and prevent entry, while Astor does his negotiation thing. We all enter and see the snively little man gnome and a couple looking at a case of jewelry. Wait, this is a gnome town, and a gnome establishment. So Edgar had to crouch walk on in here. Honestly though. you would think that being a cultural center of the world, home of the worlds’ government union that they would have made like, city wide ordinance to be more inclusive to all the other races.

Anyways, Astor tells Gorvil to kick out the governments in the nicest way possible, which didn’t work out, so Astor told Gorvil he would kick his family jewels so hard they would be coughed out of his mouth. Cause intimidation always works. And it did. Cause it ALWAYS does. Glim does his job watching the front, while Thirteen was all like, “Guys I have this sick new rad power that totally tells me there’s an exit in the back. I should like maybe check it out,” and the entire gang was just in awe at this incredible glorious power and totally want to be best buds with Thirteen cause he is absolutely the coolest guy in town. Who wouldn’t won’t to be friends with that guy!?! Astor agrees, and Thirteen goes to check out the back. BUT WAIT! Gorvil was making up an excuse about how he only has family in the back, but Thirteen totally saw through this, but Gorvil was like, “but no seriousness bro.” Thirteen takes Gorvil to the back and…. Huh, who thought Gnomes could be even smaller. Two gnomish kids, which Gorvil claims to be his and that he is a single dad, were playing and stopped, starring in awe at the man that is Thirteen. “Whoa,” they thought. “That guy is the incarnation of cool. I totally wish I was cool like that.” Gorvil approaches a small safe in the back and after he fiddled around with it a bit, he retrieves a small bag. We go back to the main room.

By the way, at this point I would like to remind you that Gorvil owes us 150 gold, and Doran the Butcher owes us 100 gold. Cause, you know, a jeweler makes more money than a butcher, but apparently only 50% more. People would rather have the meat then the diamond in this town if you know what I’m saying.

Gorvil hands the bag to Astor, who then checks the bag out and sees 10 platinum coins and 50 gold coins. Astor then pulls a fast one on Gorvil, “Now about that late fee. You heard about that tavern?”

Whoa. That’s serious. Astor almost totally just totally incriminated himself to this Jeweler.

Edgar at this point takes on face duty, because you know. Edgar wants to be Astor and Astor wants to be Edgar. Almost like they were designed by greater beings to do similar roles, but then the divine beings realized they wanted to do the other one’s role. Simple life things really. But yah. Edgar squats down arm on Gorvil shoulder. He really got to know the guy. Apparently Gorvil was a fisher, helped his father, who was a fisher. He fished out a random ass dude from the water, saved his life. Became friends with the man until he died, who apparently left a ton of money to Gorvil. So Gorvil followed his dreams, of becoming a dancer.

…Look, about earlier. I wasn’t implying anything sexual, just Gnomes really like to eat. That’s why the butcher makes a ton of money that’s almost on par with a jeweler.

Gorvil wasn’t a very good dancer, so he followed his second dream, becoming a jewelry store owner. Really solid dream right there. Edgar suggests that Gorvil should pay the guild in gems if he ain’t got coins. He then takes two rings out from Gorvil’s shop, puts one on his finger, the others on Gorvil’s. “In my culture, this is a very important tradition. We’re married now. And if you try to get a divorce, I’ll burn your house down.” Gorvil. Is. Absolutely. Smitten.

YAY! Edgar found happiness! Good for you buddy.

Gorvil retrieves 7 uncut gems that are roughly worth 50 gold and hands them to Edgar. Edgar than reveals he’s just joking about the whole marriage things and returns the ring. It was one big metaphor. Except the burning the house down thing. Gorvil better stay in line. But don’t worry Gorvil. You guys are still my OTP.

As we leave, Gorvil runs after us, asking Astor, who was in the back, when the next payment was. Astor establishes a bi-weekly. As in, every two weeks, not twice in one week. Cause Bi-weekly means multiple things.

We head to our armor shop hideout to discuss how to approach Doran the Explorer of Meat. Astor suggests we do a little research first. Wants to find out if he has a family or pet, something we can use as leverage. Glim wants to check out the shop. Astor is going to stalk the man after he gets off work to find out where he lives. Edgar and Thirteen check out other establishments nearby, like taverns that might get their meat from Doran. WOOOOO GETTING WASTED!!!!

Glim ended up getting to the shop as it is about to close. He looked around, got a lot of valuable information, primarily that the place is decorated in 50 shades of green, white, and black. He also got tricked into buying 2 pounds of pork chops for kind of a lot of money. Astor, who was outside, notices a couple of guards roll on by and were heading to Glim’s location, an alleyway near the butcher shop. He get’s question about the tavern and he somehow gets out (note: no notes really on this part cause who cares about Glim, Astor was doing something more important).

Astor and Tiki follow the butcher to his home. Edgar and Thirteen go to the bar and Edgar spots an interesting man he wants to talk to. The man is named Falk Crew, and he’s a butcher! Edgar asks about the other butchers around, and he talks a bit about Doran, talking about his shop and about how its quality meat, but too expensive. Edgar and Thirteen then leave.

We all head back to the HQ, except Glim who thinks that we will always meet back up at the armor shop. After awhile, he heads on back and cooks his two pounds of meat. Cloudfang is currently in with his door open, which is a clear invitation to go inside! The gang gives him a status report and Gorvil’s pay. Thirteen’s hat tells him that there is a secret exit in Osgo’s room, which is kind of suspicious, but also makes sense as this is a Thieves Guild.

Everyone goes to sleep. Everyone then wakes up. Simple.

Glim remembers that the shop opens up and closes from 8am to 7pm. The gang comes up with the plan to head for Doran’s home to dig up some dirt. But we left our shovels back at base so instead we’re just going to jump the fence and do a little B and a little E. Astor stays outside as a lookout while everyone else goes in. Nothing of importance, just two birds and a bed on top of a secret hole. The boys move the bed, check out the hole and managed to get it open and my dear lord. It’s a butt load of money. We close it up and put the scene back together while also snatching some bird seeds. These two things will be used as leverage. Knowing that he has a shit ton of secret money, and bird seeds. Oooooooh yah. Bird seeds. The greatest leverage tool.

We head to Doran’s shop. We have a small bit of small talk, but Doran is a tease, so he just straight up attacks us for no good reason (note: he has plenty of good reasons).

We beat the living shit out of him. Bad news, he threw something and intentionally broke his window to cause a scene. Good news, we force him into the back room. Bad news, someone checks on him. Good news, he snitches on us. Wait, I meant bad news on that one. The good news is Astor got one final blow on Doran, killing him before we ran away. Wait, I meant bad news, the final blow didn’t kill Doran. Man. This guy did 0 damage and was able to take like, 4 solid hits. Almost like his stats are 0/5 or something…

As the boys escape, they be-line for Doran’s house. Now, I ain’t saying anything, but these boys are known to light fires. So a house might be burned down. Who knows. Nothing is guaranteed in life except that life will eventually end. Death comes for us all. It’s up to you, the individual, to make the most out of life so that when Death comes to your door, you can greet him with open arms as a friend, knowing sure as hell that your life couldn’t have been better. And where ever you’re going can possibly have more random ass fire than the fire that we caused. Cause we’re burning this place down.

And we are killing his birds. With one stone. Two birds with one stone. It’s the goal. But someone will probably roll a 1 and end up killing two Astors instead.

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Session 2.2 - The Dumpster Fire Boogaloo, Except the Dumpster is a Tavern and the Boogaloo Was a Deadly Explosion

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1/16/2018 Session

Quick Retcon Section

Apparently, Some Asshat is actually named Glim. Huh. Also he apparently has a mask. Also also he apparently made a bunghole have a magical property and gave it to somebody. That somebody was Thirteen supposedly. Now it no longer has no magical powers. So Thirteen inherited a magical, non-magical bunghole.

Interesting People

Elegnos – One of Pat’s gamble buddies.

Crash Kenku – The other gambler. This is his second appearance. His next appearance will be Warped.

Isabelle Mournhell – our collector for this area. Sh’es a half-elf. Garbage stats. Spent all her points on metal as fuck name.

Gorvil – a pussy ass bitch Jeweler in the area making a good bit of money. Hasn’t missed a payment, but he keeps getting later and later on his payments.

Doran – He’s a butcher. Not a Treant.

Locations of Interest

The Location Formerly Known as The Simple Dragon Tavern – Well, I guess they can rebuild it into the Sleepy Dragon now.

What Our Mission Is For the Next Campaign

To swing this whole explosion as a totally intentional, intimidating message to a few people:

Gorvil, the Jeweler

Doron, the Butcher

Galza, the ex-Tavern Owner…potentially.

Swindler’s List

Glim – Fine Skeltia ware

Glim – Course Skeltia that was fine Skeltia before becoming course. Also known as broken glass.

Glim – Alchemist Jugs, which apparently can make everything, including music.

Edgar – Astor’s drink

The Mission – Our dignity.

Edgar – A hired guard’s second chance at redeeming his life with his loved ones. Because the guard is dead.

The Short Notes

Hahahaha. Oh man. Woo boy. What a doozy. This session man.

So, Glim started out by passing along a fire starter, a bottle of oil, and a smoke stick to Astor so he can set up a small dumpster fire for his distraction. Astor hands Edgar his tools of truths so that Edgar could get some bonuses while inside the tavern before heading off to his rally point. When Astor arrived, he starts smoking his pipe. Simple stuff so far. But hold on.

Everyone else goes into the tavern. Edgar is disguised as Barnibus, and is disguised as Barnibus the whole time. No one ever asked questions or asked if he was still disguised even towards the end of the session. But that’s fine. Glim went to go talk with the bartender all about brewing, which clearly the bartender didn’t want none of that, but Glim forced his conversation on the poor bartender. Edgar and Thirteen decide to order drinks. Still pretty normal stuff.

After a couple of hours, Tiki sees Fynawyn coming with a group of guards. When the guards arrive at the tavern, they cause a minor commotion while Fynawyn asks to speak with the owner. After a short while, the owner comes out of the back room, had a little chit chat with Fynawyn and announces that the guards want everyone to get out. It won’t be long, so you can wait out front if you want. Little did these people know that this would be the first wrong decision. The gang all leave the building as if we were normal patrons, with Edgar leaving his alcohol on the table cause he could come back for it later. Wrong decision number 2.

Glim, Edgar, and Thirteen all make up excuses while outside about how waiting 10-15 minutes to go back in to drink and walk off, before finding an alleyway to duck into and then double back to the tavern. Four minutes pass as everyone gets to the back of the tavern, and Thirteen does his first action in the entire campaign, casting silence on a window. OOOOooooOOOOOOooooHHHH! Take that window. You shall know the full wrath of a death cleric! Glim breaks the window, and Glim and Edgar sneak on into the kitchen. They look for false/locked doors in the kitchen and only find dishes, supplies, and storage of food. Glim peeks out into the main room and sees that nobody is inside, bu he does notice that there are windows out to the main street. Thirteen waits outside, making sure no one comes around the building. Simple stuff still. Everything has gone fine. Nothing will fail.

Glim almost fails a sneak check when going into the main room. STILL NO FAILURES! IT’S FINE! EVERYTHING IS OK! Glim and Edgar make it inside the backroom that was guarded earlier only to notice it isa small room of fine Skeltia ware. Glim swagger jacks the fine Skeltia, maybe breaking a few along the way. It’s fine. Still no real failure yet. They look around the room and discover that there is a is a hidden cellar door with a lock on it, so naturally Glim decides to use acid to break the lock in a minutes time rather than spend a minute and 6 seconds lock picking. They open the latch and go inside and….


As in there’s light. The party isn’t lit…yet.


Down the trapped door is a room. In the corner, my god, its a sleeping guard. Head against the wall. Got a club. Appears to be a human. Not too young. Not too old. About 35 years old. Just celebrated his birthday. It was a subtle celebration. He spent his day with his girlfriend that he just got back together with. They took a 4 month break after being together for 4 years because he took his guard duties too serious. But he realize he couldn’t keep living his life without this woman, so he changed his ways and won her back. Still a guard for hire, but its not his whole life anymore. Everything is going well in this guys life. He appears to not be burned. Wait. Stop. Yah no burns. There’s also a ton of barrels full of all kind of booze in this room. Oh, and a locked door. Edgar sneaks his way to the door.

Meanwhile, Tiki flies around and finds the investigators are about 4 minutes form the tavern, so Astor starts the distraction. He leaves the alleyway and begins finding his way off the beaten path to the Simple Dragon. Something about Black Banny.

Back to Edgar; he successfully sneaked, snuk… snuked… his way to the door and gave it a little jiggle and my god it’s locked. Glim decides to try and follow, and doesn’t succeed on his sneak check. My god. Who would have saw this coming! Lets not look back about 5 paragraphs earlier where Glim nearly failed his previous sneak check. Oh no. Nothing in common with these two incidents. Lucky for the gang, Edgar was named Johnny on the Spot in a previous life and bashes the guards face with the pommel of his sword as he was about to wake up AND BAM! CRITICAL HIT FOR 34 DAMAGE! KNOCKED THE CUCK RIGHT THE FUCK OUT! Crit table offers Edgar a second action, to which Edgar rudely declines. Crit Table God be left unpleased. Edgar missed his opportunity for First Blood medal. But don’t worry. He…redeems (?) himself later.

Edgar goes to pick the lock on the door while Glim investigates the barrels of booze. Good rolls. Realize they all have the lemur symbol. After a minute or minute and a half of lock picking, Glim finally smells that smelly smell that smells smelly with a small hint of explosives and tries to tell Edgar to stop picking the lock.

And the dice says 1.

Did I mention a small hint of explosives? Cause bitch, this is the Simple Dragon, and there ain’t NOTHING simple about no trapped door set to explode. Very dragon esque to spew fire everywhere, yes. But simple. HELL NAH! This bitch is a big explosion!

Also, did I mention that the guard wasn’t burned? Hahaha. Well, he’s not doing so hot now. Or he’s doing too hot. Either way he’s dead now and Edgar got his first blood! WOO! Also Edgar almost dies from the explosion. Luckily Glim has a super healing potion and he tosses it to Edgar who successfully catches the potion.

Also also, Thirteen hears the explosion, cause how could you not, and he fucking legs it. Peace bro.

Astor was slowly walking to the tavern, sees the explosion, and is now slowly walking away from the tavern.

Meanwhile, Edgar and Glim notices that inside the room the explosion came from that there are stacks upon stacks upon stacks of alchemist jugs with some weird symbols. Glim manages to shovel five of them into his bag of holding before they run out of the cellar! Actually wait Glim tries to do a concussion blast to blast the fire away. Shockingly, it does not work. Edgar manages to escape before the guards rushed into the building. Glim is spotted by the guards, but he manages to lose them.

Astor and Thirteen decided that they should go to the HQ. Edgar decides the HQ should be where he goes. Glim thought Marrowind was the best place to be, and stayed there for an hour, cleaning up, before realizing no one was showing up so he too goes to the HQ. Before Edgar and Glim could get to the HQ, Elegnos and Crash Kenku come up and were like, “Uuuuh what happened?” and Astor was immediate damage control and was like, “blip blip bloop.”

…It didn’t go over well with Elegnos and Crash.

Edgar showed up to the HQ, burned and charred, and Astor was like, “sooooo…” while Thirteen was staring down Cloudfang. Edgar takes Astors drink and states that he has some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the tavern own now knows that we mean business. The bad news is she has no business. Edgar then explains everything that happened.

Hey Glim showed up and he’s like, “look at all the swagger I jacked.” It was pretty good swagger. Some good skeltia plates, some course plates, and 5 musical instruments. I mean, 5 mayonnaise producers. The alchemist jugs. Glim guesses that the woman had about 50 total jugs. Had. She’s down to 45 at best.

Astor begins coming up with a plan about wanting to go Galza’s home and make our sells pitch now, because that’s totally going to work. He discusses that we can work out a loan system to get her back on her feet as an extra incentive to deal with us before Cloudfang comes over to discuss what happened. Astor argues that the lady was crazy having a booby trap set for her alcoholic establishment and that our plan didn’t actually consist of the exploding. He tells Cloudfang our recovery plan while Glim shows him the alchemist jugs and tells him about the lemur brand. We discussed possibly drawing up the symbol and then asking our merchant contact about the symbol before Cloudfang asks if we even asked Galza if she would pay up. Astor tried to argue that was the previous group’s job. Cloudfang was too happy with that response, but hey. He’s actually cool with the recovery plan!

Cloudfang suggests they can give out a 500 gold loan to Galza, but could be convinced to go up to 750-1000g if we can get her to comply to our new payroll plan. Wait, no. Fuck that. She was already not reliable trying to skip out on paying the Thieves’ Guild. Maybe find a new person to offer the loan too. Either way, Cloudfang likes the idea that we turn this mishap into a “sending a message” plan. He tasks the boys with going to Gorvil, a jeweler, and Doran, a butcher, and spin this whole explosion thing as a intimidation check on why they should pay us money. And also to go make a point to Galza. Because, reason?

Oh btw, This branch is only 15 years old and the guild is represented by a crow symbol. Each branch has a different object that the crow holds with the Kadena branch being a wand. Oh Cloudfang also gave Thirteen a dope hat.

The gang decide to start with the jeweler Gorvil.

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Start of a New Campaign! Session 2.1, The Thieves' Guild Needs Mo Money!

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1/9/2018 Session

Quick Retcon Section

None. It’s sesh number Uno, ya’ll.

Interesting People

Our “Heroes”:

  • Edgar Nyton – He does not turn into a giant green monster.
  • Astor Redpeace – Astor version 2.0. higher number does not always equal better. Only time will tell if Astor Redpeace is better, or if he is really just the next Window’s OS.
  • Alexander 13 Thornburge – Again, higher number does not always equal better.
  • Some Asshat – He can smell the future. Its kind of weird.
  • Tiki – A male raven familiar to Astor. If this is like previous campaigns, either Tiki will be more valuable than his master, or, due to being a bird, will be the bane of this entire campaign. I don’t know what sick One Unique Thing Tiki came up with.


  • Landon Builver Kefka – Gnome Noble who’s manor hosts the thieves’ guild. He’s a male forest gnome, the ones with the pointy red hats. Doesn’t like being called out for wearing the hat, so its best to just ignore it completely. He’s pretty tall for a gnome, atleast, he looks it thanks to the hat. Has very long, wavy, auburn hair and gold eyes. His face is shape, and somewhat cute.
  • Osgo – a very old lizardfolk rogue. Leader of the Kadena Branch.
  • Henry “Cloudfang” – Osgo’s right hand man. Only Osgo is knows how he got the name “Cloudfang.” Most of the guild thinks he has a mad sweet tooth for cotton candy. He’s a really old human, but he’s also jack as fuck. And a rogue. A rogue who went with a strength AND dexterity build. None of that “or” crap.
  • Mrs. Galza Livizes – Owner of the Simple Dragon (Tavern). She’s no longer paying her protection money or buying our booze. She got new protection.
  • Rein Smallory – A city guard in our pocket
  • Black Banny – Smooth Chocolate Skin, Cha 20. The Zoe Saldana of Gnomes. Bam-ba-lam.
  • Barnibus – Edgar Nyton’s imaginary college friend. Not to be mistaken for Birdnibus, Birdnard’s long lost brother who also haunts his Aarakocran friend.
  • Bilgrim Gaggins – Gnome. Long curly, red hair. The drunk college student. Gaggins isnt really his last name.
  • Holdon – A college student.
  • Velver – Another college student.
  • No Name – A 4th wheel cause every carriage needs at least 4.
  • Marrowind – The Person in charge of Marrowind’s Leather and Chain. Cha 10. She’s huge. very tall. 40 years old. 5’10". Tall.
  • Fynawny Isona – a paid off Captain of the Guard.

Locations of Interest

Kadena – Gnomish capital, setting for all of past, current, and future campaigns. Cause fuck the rest of the world. Other cities are basically located in hellscapes.

Simple Dragon (Tavern) – Owned by Galza Livizes. 2 stories, made of timber and brick.

Landon Builver Kefka’s Manor – HQ

Tattered Hammer – A tavern near the college that we supply alcohol to. Weird that a worker at a rival tavern would tell us that the location of this establishment and that they have better booze, but eh.

Marrowind’s Leather and Chain – A not fun store. It’s one of ours.

What Our Mission Is For the Next Campaign

Our Plan:

  1. Convince Fynawyn for an investigation at the Simple Dragon later in the day.
  2. Have her guards clear out the building while waiting on the real investigation team.
  3. While waiting on the investigation team, Thirteen will cast silence on a back window and get the fuck out.
  4. Some Asshat and Edgar will break in and steal all the gold, and break some stuff to send a message.
  5. Astor will cause a distraction to buy the gang more time, using Tiki as a magical watchdogbird (cause he totes have telepathic powers with his master)
  6. Everyone GTFO

I give this plan a solid C+ grade.

Swindler’s List

Edgar – Drunk college kid’s drink

The Short Notes

We are members of the Thieves’ Guild, currently in the Kadena Branch. We start our session at the HQ, a manor owned by a Gnome noble named Landon Builver Kefka. We see the regular faces around these parts; Cloudfang, the right hand man to our leader Osgo, Osgo’s muscles (there be 2 of them), 2 of our fences, and one of our counterfeiters. Everyone else from the guild is out and about, probably off on assignment.

Cloudfang gathered up 13, Astor, Edgar, and Asshat to give us a new mission. He states it should be easy and would be pretty surprised if we somehow fucked it up. He tells us about Mrs. Galza Livizes over at the Simple Dragon. She isn’t paying her protection money to us anymore. Apparently, some previous members went to go have a talk, but came back all bruised and what not. Turns out she is spending her protection money on actual protection now. One apparently has a big sword, and the other one used fire spells. Cloudfang wants us to go and convince her she has to pay up. If she doesn’t, we can decide the punishment on the fly. He also tells us to go find Rein Smallory, a city guard in our pocket, if any legal issues come up. He knows its asking a lot, but he states that his sources have also pointed out that Livizes is not buying her booze from our people anymore, so if we could find out where she is getting the new booze from, that would be greatly appreciated.

The gang traveled to the Simple Dragon around noon. It’s pretty noisy, couple of tables already filled. Theirs a door in the back corner, guarded by a man just standing there. He looks like he has a pretty big sword. The table closest to him sits a man, who is reading a book. A spellbook. Probably a spellbook. Who reads actual books in this world? Some Asshat decides to take the group to a corner table, with wobbly chairs. Strike one Some Asshat. Strike one. We order a round of drinks. While Some Asshat decides to try and get some samples of the drinks, Edgar Nyton decides to try out his acting prowess by pretending to be looking for a college friend over at the bar, where there are college students. I much preferred the day’s when Edgar Nyton’s career had him going back and forth with Chad Pott in that live action theater where Chad played that Kyle Murder role. But anyways, Edgar’s college act went pretty well.

The college kids were complaining about college exams. Edgar introduced himself as Pit, looking for his buddy Barnibus. The college kids mention that he could be one of the many college students who have gone missing recent (because that was totally a quest line our previous heroes were totally planning on doing but decided to follow the cat who wanted to go after the big magical yarn ball, aka meteor facts). Edgar was all like, “yah thats a cool story, but are yall like regulars here?” To which the college kids said yah. Edgar probed how they felt about the quality of this establishment, to which one of the super drunk students started claiming that this place use to be way better but its now a shit show.

Oh if anyone was wondering, Some Asshat successfully put some samples in his vials and also our barmaid is rocking a solid 15 cha. Some Asshat then tries the drinks, and determines that its the most average ale he has ever had. Almost magically average. Its magically delicious, and that’s average in this world. That’s kind of fucked up. It’s like buying some Lucky Charms because of all the marshmallows and then you pour out your bowl and there’s not a single marshmallow, so you decide to empty the whole thing and find out that they don’t have any marshmallows. Your Lucky Charms have no marshmallows! That kind of magical. Also your Lucky Charms are actually Trix. That’s how fucked up this “magically delicious” is actually average delicious thing is. Lucky Charms being Trix. Man, fuck the gnomes and this bullshit. WE DEMAND HIGHER QUALITY IN OUR MAGICAL STANDARDS!

Astor decides to drink his ale and go to the door being blocked by the guards. He acts drunks and mentions that “nature calls” trying to persuade the guard into letting him into the back room on the ground that it must be the restroom. The guard turns him around and tells him the outhouse is out back, but Astor wasn’t having any of it. So Astor was like, “I need an escort, your instructions are unclear. How do i access more deck slots?” So the Blizzard Bouncer was like, “I’ll distract you with a shiny update” and called over smooth chocolate skin, Banny (WHOOOOOOOOOOOA BLACK BANNY! BAM-BA-LAM! WHOOOOOOOOOOOA BLACK BANNY! BAM-BA-LAM! BLACK BANNY CHARISMA 20! BAM-BA-LAM! THE DAMN THING GONE WILD! BAM-BA-LAM!) to escort him to the outhouse.


The tavern almost all went silent at the exclamation from the college student. Apparently Edgar crossed the line by ruffing up his hair, but Edgar saved it. Edgar asks the barkeep about the brand of booze they are drinking, and the barkeeper mentions its “Leamer”. Edgar then totally makes the first swindler’s list approved swindle of the campaign by swagger jacking the drunk college kid’s drink. When asked about the stuff they use to have, the bartender mentioned that they use to get Smidbot, but they stop selling it when they ran out a few weeks back. The bartender mentioned that the Tattered Hammer, a tavern near the college, has some Smidbot. Edgar is familiar with this name, as he knows we, The Thieves’ Guild, supply our alcohol there. The bartender mentions that the patrons there are a bit….grim. Or not grim. They aren’t telling “EVERYONE! GET IN HERE!” Rather they stair people down. Being close to the college, and all the students going missing, people are real iffy about newcomers there. Edgar tells his new college bros that they should totes get smashed at the Hammer sometime yo before getting the drunk kids name and leaving (his name is Bilgrim Gaggins).

Astor tells the guard he was a good man, and offers to get drinks with him when he gets off duty, which is at 6. Astor is totally standing this guy up. His heart is set on Black Banny Bam-Ba-Lam. He, and Edgar, return to the table. We pay for our drinks, and by we I mean Some Asshat paid the tab. While outside, we tried our damn hardest to remember if we had a front nearby, but decided to just look for the symbol on the door instead. So we go to Marrowind’s Leather and Chain, where Marrowind is at the counter. We go to the back and discuss some details.

We assume that if the guards get off at 6, then surely more guards come in, and its probably more than two as taverns are typically busier later in the day. Astor suggests we talk to Rein, or guard friend, to determine if magical drinks are legal as Some Asshat has determined that the alcoholic samples aren’t magical, but have traces of magic. He can’t identify the source of origin for any of the ingredients.

We go to Rein’s patrol, find her, and discuss some plans with her. She’s not entirely accurate, but she believes all forms of food and drinks of any magical quantity or quality are illegal to serve. She wants us to inform her captain, who is also paid off; Fynawyn Isona. Astor wants Rein to take a sample to Fynawyn and have them send the “right people” to investigate the tavern, and let us known when they go in.

At 7, Thirteen and Edgar go back to check out the Simple Dragon. It’s super crowded. So crowded that the bar is backed up. Astor’s new best friend is at a table, sad that his buddy didn’t come get drinks. Sucks for him. And probably Astor later in life because Astor wasn’t wearing a disguised and now this guard remembers the man who stood him up. Good job Astor, you fucked us up in 3 sessions time. There are two new guards standing by the infamous door, and another dude sitting at the table. We decide its best to leave, because the service is so damn slow, not because we got what we came for. While walking back, a guard stops Edgar, who was disguised as a college gnome student. He was just making sure the student was safe, to which Edgar pointed out that Thirteen, who was exactly Thirteen steps back, give or take a few, was his “bodyguard” hired by his parents. Edgar and the guard proceed to make small talk before Edgar asks about the missing college students, discovering that about 30 or 40 have been taken so far.

Meanwhile, Astor is gambling.

Thirteen and Edgar return to the HQ, and everybody goes to sleep. And nobody wakes up. I’m kidding. Everything is fine. We’re all awake. We head off to a park, where we agreed to meet with Fynawyn before things went down. She sadly has bad news. The illegal aspect of the whole selling magical food/drinks is that you have to inform your consumers, and that the magical drink sample we provided doesn’t really proof anything. We made a plan anyways.

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